Premarital Counseling
Download the brochure here:
| newbrochure_premarital.pdf |
This process of explorations allows for the opportunity to talk about your hopes, expectations, and dreams of marriage in a safe environment. To discuss your fears and anxieties about marriage, explore your personal readiness for marriage and the strengths you bring to this commitment.
Most Couples only come to counseling after they marry when problems have arisen and their dreams have been injured. Doesn't it make much more sense to discover important areas of compatibility and identify areas of difference before we marry?
In the excitement of planning a new life together, couples get caught up in wedding plans, the honeymoon, where they will live, and they forget (or avoid) looking at the opportunities and challenges they are likely to encounter after they marry. This process prepares couples to not feel they are not going to be completely taken by surprise by difficulties that arise, and be able to experience the joy of growing and evolving together. Thus this can be an exciting opportunity to learn about each other and oneself much more deeply and pave the way for a long, successful and happy marriage.
In John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they write "What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren't smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day to day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage." (pg. 3)
Areas of focus
Below are a few points that every couple should discuss with their partner prior to getting married. In working through these points, you will find that it will bring you closer together as a unit and will save you lots of heartache in the future.
What Constitutes a Successful Marriage?
Most important is one's perspective of marriage. Those who are successful in marriage see it as something that is far from perfect. It is a work in progress, not an ideal from the beginning. H. Norman Wright (1992) provides two definitions of love which are critical perspectives: "A person is in love with another individual when meeting the emotional needs of that person becomes an emotional need of his or her own life Real love means an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person."
For marriages to last each partner supports the other's aspirations and there is a sense of purpose in their lives together. For a marriage to be successful couples need to learn the language of marriage. Successful marriages are the ones where couples are intimately familiar with each other's world--knowing from the other's simplest look when (s)he needs some space, knowing the event from the past that will bring a moist eyed smile. They nurture a fondness and admiration for each other--truly caring about each other, being proud of the internal battles the other has fought.
Premarital counseling can help couples develop an “emotionally intelligent marriage"!
A Word of Caution
It is possible that one's worst fears will be realized. This is a major reason why couples avoid premarital counseling. You may learn that the marriage will need to be postponed for further individual or couple counseling. The purpose is to assist with difficulties and help you determine if you should remain together. Although realizing there are serious problems in the relationship is very painful, it is far better to learn this early before your lives are intertwined, children are involved, and many hurts and insecurities have developed. Although this only occurs in a minority of cases, I would be remiss to omit this possibility.
Most Couples only come to counseling after they marry when problems have arisen and their dreams have been injured. Doesn't it make much more sense to discover important areas of compatibility and identify areas of difference before we marry?
In the excitement of planning a new life together, couples get caught up in wedding plans, the honeymoon, where they will live, and they forget (or avoid) looking at the opportunities and challenges they are likely to encounter after they marry. This process prepares couples to not feel they are not going to be completely taken by surprise by difficulties that arise, and be able to experience the joy of growing and evolving together. Thus this can be an exciting opportunity to learn about each other and oneself much more deeply and pave the way for a long, successful and happy marriage.
In John M. Gottman, Ph.D. and Nan Silver's book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, they write "What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren't smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day to day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage." (pg. 3)
Areas of focus
Below are a few points that every couple should discuss with their partner prior to getting married. In working through these points, you will find that it will bring you closer together as a unit and will save you lots of heartache in the future.
- Understanding the foundations of love, friendship and compatibility in a marriage.
- Household management and finances.
- Learning the language of Marriage.
- Family planning and child raising.
- The integration of In-laws.
- The role of religion.
- Processing fears a partner may have.
- Identifying ghosts from prior relationships.
- Idealized versus realistic expectations.
- Hidden treasures in you and your partner.
- Red flags to watch for.
- How to disagree in a problem solving manner.
What Constitutes a Successful Marriage?
Most important is one's perspective of marriage. Those who are successful in marriage see it as something that is far from perfect. It is a work in progress, not an ideal from the beginning. H. Norman Wright (1992) provides two definitions of love which are critical perspectives: "A person is in love with another individual when meeting the emotional needs of that person becomes an emotional need of his or her own life Real love means an unconditional commitment to an imperfect person."
For marriages to last each partner supports the other's aspirations and there is a sense of purpose in their lives together. For a marriage to be successful couples need to learn the language of marriage. Successful marriages are the ones where couples are intimately familiar with each other's world--knowing from the other's simplest look when (s)he needs some space, knowing the event from the past that will bring a moist eyed smile. They nurture a fondness and admiration for each other--truly caring about each other, being proud of the internal battles the other has fought.
Premarital counseling can help couples develop an “emotionally intelligent marriage"!
A Word of Caution
It is possible that one's worst fears will be realized. This is a major reason why couples avoid premarital counseling. You may learn that the marriage will need to be postponed for further individual or couple counseling. The purpose is to assist with difficulties and help you determine if you should remain together. Although realizing there are serious problems in the relationship is very painful, it is far better to learn this early before your lives are intertwined, children are involved, and many hurts and insecurities have developed. Although this only occurs in a minority of cases, I would be remiss to omit this possibility.
